1 00:00:28,470 --> 00:00:31,890 Good evening, it's nice to be with you once again. And in a packed program 2 00:00:31,890 --> 00:00:36,830 tonight, we ask the question, can we raise milk production if all the farmers 3 00:00:36,830 --> 00:00:37,830 pool together? 4 00:00:40,150 --> 00:00:43,470 You should be looking into complaints about the motor industry, and we'll show 5 00:00:43,470 --> 00:00:45,010 you something that fell off the back of a lorry. 6 00:00:46,410 --> 00:00:47,450 It's the front of a lorry. 7 00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:57,180 Later, we'll be visiting the high jumping at the White City, where the bar 8 00:00:57,180 --> 00:01:00,360 now seven foot three inches, so no one can get a drink. 9 00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:04,099 But first, the news. 10 00:01:04,860 --> 00:01:09,320 Thousands of trade unionists went to Manchester today, the day of Mr Harold 11 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:10,320 Wilson's big speech. 12 00:01:10,700 --> 00:01:12,280 Mr Wilson is speaking in Birmingham. 13 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:18,600 And girl strippers in Compton Street have been on strike. 14 00:01:18,990 --> 00:01:22,790 accepted a motion to return to work today after a show of hands, knees and 15 00:01:22,790 --> 00:01:23,790 of daisy. 16 00:01:25,170 --> 00:01:30,970 At a coventry factory this afternoon, a man lost two fingers in an accident. 17 00:01:31,230 --> 00:01:34,790 He didn't actually notice his loss until he was saying goodnight to the foreman. 18 00:01:38,630 --> 00:01:39,630 Uganda. 19 00:01:47,340 --> 00:01:51,620 General Amin today traded in his E -type Jaguar for an F -type crocodile. 20 00:01:53,440 --> 00:02:00,160 We've just heard that the man who protested against the opening of Tower 21 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:04,220 Bridge by standing exactly in the middle as a ship went through is now 22 00:02:04,220 --> 00:02:06,140 recovering in Hammersmith Hospital. 23 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:09,440 In wards five and six. 24 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:18,960 Get well eventually. 25 00:02:19,620 --> 00:02:26,220 The National Survey on how to pronounce E -I -T -H -E -R came out with its 26 00:02:26,220 --> 00:02:27,220 results this week. 27 00:02:27,260 --> 00:02:32,500 Apparently, 7 % said either, and 8 % said either. But 9 % said either, 28 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:35,720 or either. And 10 % said neither, either, nor either. 29 00:02:36,380 --> 00:02:41,240 However, 66 % said neither, either, either, nor either, nor neither, either, 30 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:43,580 either. Two anesthetists said ether. 31 00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:47,590 And two a nice... said either. 32 00:02:48,230 --> 00:02:50,010 And a farmer said bullocks. 33 00:02:59,210 --> 00:03:02,310 But now, a sketch. 34 00:03:02,630 --> 00:03:07,690 A sketch in which I play the very important part of Henry VIII. 35 00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:10,250 And Ronnie Barker will play the rest of him. 36 00:03:18,410 --> 00:03:20,290 Good afternoon. Wonderful to see you. Can I help you? 37 00:03:20,530 --> 00:03:24,270 Yes. I was thinking of having a holiday in your country. Oh, wonderful. 38 00:03:24,390 --> 00:03:25,790 Excellent. Sit down, please. 39 00:03:28,610 --> 00:03:29,610 On the floor? 40 00:03:30,550 --> 00:03:32,710 Yes, on the floor. Why not? The floor is clean. 41 00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:34,910 In our country, all the floors are clean. 42 00:03:35,170 --> 00:03:36,850 We have the cleanest floors in the world. 43 00:03:37,310 --> 00:03:40,150 I'd rather stand, thank you. You prefer to stand? Yes, thank you. It's good. 44 00:03:40,310 --> 00:03:41,310 It's better you stand. 45 00:03:41,370 --> 00:03:42,510 It's very healthy for you. 46 00:03:43,470 --> 00:03:45,210 If you're going to stand, stand properly. 47 00:03:48,330 --> 00:03:49,330 That's better. 48 00:03:49,570 --> 00:03:52,430 Now tell me, when do you want to visit our beautiful country? May. 49 00:03:52,710 --> 00:03:56,170 May is good. You'll be there just for the start of the cricket season. 50 00:03:56,510 --> 00:03:59,870 Oh, you play cricket in Grablia, do you? Do we play cricket in Grablia? Of 51 00:03:59,870 --> 00:04:01,090 course we do. We're the world champions. 52 00:04:01,470 --> 00:04:03,870 We beat Poland in the final by 42 wickets. 53 00:04:04,270 --> 00:04:05,330 Don't you read the papers? 54 00:04:06,010 --> 00:04:07,490 No, no, no. Actually, England. 55 00:04:07,710 --> 00:04:10,910 Also in May, you'll be able to see the World Festival of Police and the 56 00:04:10,910 --> 00:04:14,570 International Police Exhibition. You'll be able to hear the wonderful Royal 57 00:04:14,570 --> 00:04:15,790 Police Symphony Orchestra. 58 00:04:16,269 --> 00:04:19,370 and see the beautiful dancing of the Royal Seeker Police Paint Belly Company. 59 00:04:20,450 --> 00:04:22,990 Now, how long are you going to come for? Two or three weeks? 60 00:04:23,210 --> 00:04:27,910 No, just one week. Just one week? Just one sneaky week? What's the matter? 61 00:04:29,390 --> 00:04:32,270 What's the matter? Don't you like our country? It's better than your lousy 62 00:04:32,270 --> 00:04:33,270 country, I tell you that. 63 00:04:34,290 --> 00:04:35,750 Your lousy country stinks. 64 00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:39,430 Our country is beautiful, and the peasants are gay. 65 00:04:39,730 --> 00:04:41,550 They are the gayest peasants in the world. 66 00:04:43,810 --> 00:04:48,720 It has been statistically proved, that our peasants are seven times gayer than 67 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:49,720 the British. 68 00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:53,780 You will enjoy your holiday. I tell you, you will enjoy it. If you don't enjoy 69 00:04:53,780 --> 00:04:54,860 your holiday, you will be punished. 70 00:04:55,100 --> 00:04:56,100 Do you understand? 71 00:04:57,980 --> 00:05:01,860 Now, tell me, do you want me to book a room for you? A room for you in our 72 00:05:01,860 --> 00:05:02,860 beautiful state hotel? 73 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:04,960 Well, I don't know, really. 74 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:06,880 Don't play games with me. 75 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:14,460 Do you or don't you? I don't know. 76 00:05:14,860 --> 00:05:16,980 Well, just you stay there. I'll get the brochure. I might tell you to make up 77 00:05:16,980 --> 00:05:18,220 your mind. A very indefinite person. 78 00:05:22,820 --> 00:05:29,660 Now, look here. If you go 79 00:05:29,660 --> 00:05:34,360 to the north here, you can visit a collective farm and see some of our 80 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:36,720 world politically orientated cows. 81 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:41,940 Now, these cows have been scientifically trained to lay eggs. 82 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,540 Over three quarters of them are fully trained chemical engineers. 83 00:05:49,860 --> 00:05:53,460 Another triumph for freedom. No, Will, I don't think... You don't think? You 84 00:05:53,460 --> 00:05:56,320 allow me to make up my mind for you, please, sir. Don't speak. There we are. 85 00:05:56,340 --> 00:05:59,980 Now, look, in this house here, you will be able to see the traditional folk 86 00:05:59,980 --> 00:06:02,940 dances when the folk all come out and dance on the green. 87 00:06:03,820 --> 00:06:08,440 And also the traditional police dances when the police come out and dance on 88 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:09,440 folk. 89 00:06:13,030 --> 00:06:17,130 Interesting here. There's also the famous local wine made by the peasants. 90 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:20,550 wine. Yes, you can hear it every evening when the police are dancing on them. 91 00:06:21,530 --> 00:06:23,450 So very funny, very funny indeed. 92 00:06:24,090 --> 00:06:26,970 That's the trouble with you British, you've got no sense of cruelty. 93 00:06:28,110 --> 00:06:30,210 Now tell me, are you going to the north or the south then? 94 00:06:30,410 --> 00:06:33,090 Well, my wife and I rather wanted to visit Splats. 95 00:06:34,110 --> 00:06:36,390 Splats? What do you know about Splats? Nothing. 96 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:38,000 What's so special about Splat? Nothing. 97 00:06:38,260 --> 00:06:41,460 What's this about you and your wife? You never mentioned your wife to me. You're 98 00:06:41,460 --> 00:06:44,760 both spies, that's what you are. What's that bulge under your jacket? Don't be 99 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:45,760 personal. 100 00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:50,700 You and your wife, you are both spies, you know that? You know what we do in 101 00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:51,700 country with spies? 102 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:55,660 We line them up against the wall and we shoot them, do you hear? We shoot them. 103 00:06:55,900 --> 00:06:56,900 Slowly. 104 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,380 Now, you still want to come? 105 00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:02,840 Yes, I do. 106 00:07:02,970 --> 00:07:06,750 Well, you better wait here, because I am afraid I get Mr. Gruber to look after 107 00:07:06,750 --> 00:07:10,950 you, because I don't wish to boast, but I am being executed at 3 .30. 108 00:07:11,790 --> 00:07:14,650 What? Oh, it's all right. It's not for anything serious. 109 00:10:19,050 --> 00:10:20,050 Good evening. 110 00:10:20,250 --> 00:10:23,150 As you look at me tonight, you will notice two things. 111 00:10:23,550 --> 00:10:29,510 One, I'm very handsome, and two, there is a small rectangle at the bottom right 112 00:10:29,510 --> 00:10:30,610 -hand corner of your picture. 113 00:10:30,870 --> 00:10:34,490 Now, this symbol means that the program you're watching is unsuitable for 114 00:10:34,490 --> 00:10:35,389 certain people. 115 00:10:35,390 --> 00:10:37,710 So, if you're certain people, switch off. 116 00:10:38,810 --> 00:10:40,750 For the rest of you, let me explain. 117 00:10:40,950 --> 00:10:44,610 What do all our symbols mean? Well, this rectangle... 118 00:10:44,890 --> 00:10:48,970 means that you shouldn't watch the programme if you are offended by 119 00:10:49,470 --> 00:10:53,630 This symbol means you shouldn't watch if you're offended by rectangles. 120 00:10:55,270 --> 00:10:58,810 This symbol means that the programme coming up is going to be a little bit 121 00:10:58,810 --> 00:11:03,190 naughty. This one means that we haven't said the programme's going to be 122 00:11:03,190 --> 00:11:05,490 naughty, but it will be just the same, so we'll get a nasty shock. 123 00:11:06,490 --> 00:11:10,290 This symbol, it means it isn't going to be naughty at all, but we've said it 124 00:11:10,290 --> 00:11:11,570 will be to attract more viewers. 125 00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:17,410 All these symbols together simply mean you needn't watch, as it's another 126 00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:18,510 old program about geometry. 127 00:11:20,310 --> 00:11:25,030 Let's see how it all works. This symbol means either that the language isn't fit 128 00:11:25,030 --> 00:11:27,390 for children, or that I've cut myself shaving. 129 00:11:32,350 --> 00:11:34,710 In case the language wouldn't be fit for children. 130 00:11:35,730 --> 00:11:38,250 But what about those of a nervous disposition? 131 00:11:38,710 --> 00:11:40,110 Well, we've got this. 132 00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:57,660 simple as that. Follow me over here. 133 00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:03,460 This symbol here tells us that the program would actually mention the word 134 00:12:03,460 --> 00:12:04,460 knickers. 135 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,100 Sorry, they should be down a bit. 136 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:19,020 But for those who are 137 00:12:19,020 --> 00:12:23,420 offended by the knickers symbol itself, we simply add these, which means, of 138 00:12:23,420 --> 00:12:25,220 course, danger knickers ahead. 139 00:12:29,420 --> 00:12:31,140 If you prefer it, not tonight, Josephine. 140 00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:40,040 This symbol here means that Mrs. Whitehouse has phoned in and she's 141 00:12:41,020 --> 00:12:43,280 This one means that she's beside herself. 142 00:12:47,140 --> 00:12:48,300 That means she's fainted. 143 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:55,760 We also use initials. Now we have here, if we see that, we know that the program 144 00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:57,480 will include curvaceous thighs. 145 00:13:00,270 --> 00:13:01,930 This, of course, means, as we know, violence. 146 00:13:02,710 --> 00:13:05,470 And this will mean, of course, bare bosoms. 147 00:13:09,530 --> 00:13:13,870 Of course, obviously, there is no company that would use them all at once. 148 00:13:23,190 --> 00:13:24,770 That, as we all know, means BBC. 149 00:13:25,290 --> 00:13:27,090 Unless, of course, it's the other way up. 150 00:13:27,310 --> 00:13:30,510 when it stands for a programme about a bald -headed man dreaming of two well 151 00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:31,510 -developed ladies. 152 00:13:35,630 --> 00:13:37,070 Had enough of that one, have you? All right. 153 00:13:37,930 --> 00:13:41,010 Lastly, to save money, we shall use road signs where possible. 154 00:13:41,290 --> 00:13:44,210 Now, that means that you can only watch if you're over 30. 155 00:13:44,910 --> 00:13:47,310 That one means the next programme is Gardener's Club. 156 00:13:48,770 --> 00:13:50,350 That one, of course, is the Rolling Stones. 157 00:13:51,390 --> 00:13:55,470 And this one, obviously, is a programme about family planning. 158 00:14:02,990 --> 00:14:04,050 That one will be William Tell. 159 00:14:07,170 --> 00:14:09,050 And that, of course, is the bent version. 160 00:14:11,190 --> 00:14:14,630 This will only be one thing, of course, and that is the final episode of Zed 161 00:14:14,630 --> 00:14:15,630 Cars. 162 00:14:17,510 --> 00:14:21,870 And this one, well, any offer? 163 00:14:23,170 --> 00:14:25,290 That's right, madam. Father, dear father. 164 00:14:26,850 --> 00:14:31,590 Now, when anyone goes on too long or is a stupid old bore, you will get this 165 00:14:31,590 --> 00:14:32,590 symbol here. 166 00:14:33,090 --> 00:14:34,830 So, let me sum up. 167 00:14:50,110 --> 00:14:51,130 Limerick Clinic. 168 00:14:53,270 --> 00:14:54,850 Consultant R. Kelly, MD. 169 00:14:55,150 --> 00:14:56,910 Assistant J. Lang, PhD. 170 00:14:57,430 --> 00:15:00,310 Please hang up your coat for ear, nose and throat. 171 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:02,960 For a blister, see, sister. 172 00:15:03,220 --> 00:15:04,220 That's me. 173 00:15:05,660 --> 00:15:07,380 I take it that you've an appointment. 174 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:11,980 I was just bending down and this joint went. At the back of my thigh, I was 175 00:15:11,980 --> 00:15:14,780 passing by. Step through here and I'll rub on some ointment. 176 00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:19,780 No, I'll wait and see Dr. Smith. I'm afraid he is no longer with us. Oh, a 177 00:15:19,780 --> 00:15:20,699 one, ain't I? 178 00:15:20,700 --> 00:15:24,060 Well, his hands are like ice, and when you're undressing, he differs. 179 00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:26,940 I'll be going to feel weak at the knees. 180 00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:29,180 Will you send in the next patient, please? In you go. 181 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,740 Just switch off the fan. When you're stripped, there's a terrible breeze. 182 00:15:38,260 --> 00:15:40,100 Lord, save us. He hops like a rabbit. 183 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,280 Hold on, man. Grab me arm. I said grab it. 184 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:46,740 Well, we'll just oil the springs. Will you take off your things? Not you, 185 00:15:46,860 --> 00:15:47,860 Oh, sorry. 186 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:49,520 Just have it. 187 00:15:50,340 --> 00:15:54,940 My name's Dr. Kelly. Sit down. Oh, you can't. Never mind, Mr. Crown. Just come 188 00:15:54,940 --> 00:15:55,940 round by the screen. 189 00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:57,920 Well, now, what's to be seen? 190 00:15:58,340 --> 00:15:59,380 Had your holidays yet? 191 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:00,600 Aren't you brown? 192 00:16:04,140 --> 00:16:05,140 your breath, grit your teeth. 193 00:16:05,220 --> 00:16:06,580 Your braces are caught underneath. 194 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,560 Well, you are in a state. We were almost too late. 195 00:16:11,980 --> 00:16:13,640 If they snapped, you'd have needed a wreath. 196 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:23,020 Well, there's one way to make you unbend. Oh, my... There you cured, my 197 00:16:24,340 --> 00:16:25,400 I'm a limerick man. 198 00:16:25,700 --> 00:16:29,740 I make sure, if I can, that you get the job right in the end. Thank you. 199 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:32,800 Anybody else, nurse? 200 00:17:04,589 --> 00:17:11,470 Tonight, we like to sing a song about Jose, who live, who 201 00:17:11,470 --> 00:17:17,770 love, who love, who love his woman so much, he 202 00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:24,589 say to her, darling, I love you so much, I move 203 00:17:24,589 --> 00:17:30,470 the heaven and earth to win your, how you say? 204 00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:46,320 He say, I've got a thousand star from the sky to braid your hair. 205 00:17:46,660 --> 00:17:50,700 I drink the sea so you can be first woman to walk Atlantic. 206 00:17:58,540 --> 00:17:59,680 He say, 207 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:10,940 my dog and I give up the tuba. I work day and night in a bubblegum factory so 208 00:18:10,940 --> 00:18:16,600 you can have all the mongooses you want. 209 00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:24,880 I hire a gypsy man to serenade you and they play requests and read 210 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:25,880 shorthand. 211 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:40,680 But this woman, she say, oh, say, I know you can give me all these things, but 212 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:44,040 you will never understand me the way your great -grandfather does. 213 00:18:44,740 --> 00:18:46,300 He's him I really love. 214 00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:51,220 I love him so much, I pluck thousand stars of braids, et cetera, et cetera. 215 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:55,400 This, you understand, is the chorus of this song. 216 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:14,060 But Jose, he... He... 217 00:19:14,060 --> 00:19:21,040 He's a very proud man, and he will have 218 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:22,700 this woman or die. 219 00:19:22,940 --> 00:19:29,520 He go into the fields and find his great -grandfather, and there he challenge 220 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:33,860 him to a duel. Do you not love her like I do? Say Jose. 221 00:19:34,060 --> 00:19:35,060 Oh, yes, I do. 222 00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:39,680 Say his grandfather. I love her. 223 00:19:39,980 --> 00:19:44,860 so much, I pluck a thousand stars from the sky like you did in the first verse. 224 00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:53,240 And here to sing it for you is Enoch Powell. 225 00:20:55,560 --> 00:21:02,140 with his words killing me softly with his song killing me 226 00:21:02,140 --> 00:21:08,880 softly with his song telling my whole life with his 227 00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:09,880 words 228 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:48,920 The strange - 229 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:30,640 my dog 230 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:10,460 Thank you. Thank you, Elaine Del Mar. 231 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,920 Good heavens, if I thought I could sing like that, I'd have the operation 232 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:14,920 tomorrow. 233 00:24:18,620 --> 00:24:20,880 And if my wife is listening, I'm just joking. 234 00:24:22,260 --> 00:24:29,200 I have to... I have to say that because my wife has just won a do -it 235 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:30,540 -yourself surgery outfit. 236 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:36,340 In her favourite magazine, The Lancet, it is. 237 00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:40,560 Or the Outpatients Weekly or something, anyway. 238 00:24:40,940 --> 00:24:44,280 She does read a lot of that sort of thing because she does enjoy a lot of 239 00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:45,280 health. 240 00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:51,420 There's nothing she enjoys as much as a bit of ill health. Mind you, mind you, 241 00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:58,100 when I think about it, and I often do, I... I suppose it's all 242 00:24:58,100 --> 00:25:01,660 something to do with the fact that her family have always been closely 243 00:25:01,660 --> 00:25:04,300 with the medical profession, you know, either as doctors or patients. 244 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:06,860 And sometimes both. 245 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:12,200 For instance, her father, my wife's father this is, was in the Army Medical 246 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:15,420 Corps and he met his end when he fell out of bed... 247 00:25:15,420 --> 00:25:20,300 No, 248 00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:25,820 I'm not going to embroider on that. 249 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,220 My father never liked his end embroidered upon. 250 00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:38,480 To each his own, I suppose. 251 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:48,060 My wife's father, in the Army Medical Corps, met his end when he 252 00:25:48,060 --> 00:25:49,760 fell out of bed examining a patient. 253 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:57,220 And he was court -martialed posthumously, and his ashes were reduced 254 00:25:57,220 --> 00:25:58,220 ranks. 255 00:25:59,140 --> 00:26:01,740 Anyway, about these competitions she's won. 256 00:26:02,260 --> 00:26:03,740 I went home the other night. 257 00:26:03,940 --> 00:26:05,440 You know how you do things on impulse. 258 00:26:08,590 --> 00:26:11,770 She was very excited, you know, the old Lugazade was out. 259 00:26:14,450 --> 00:26:19,470 Because apparently, apparently, she has won no less than two competitions. 260 00:26:19,890 --> 00:26:23,370 She had won the competition called Spot the Gynecologist. 261 00:26:25,090 --> 00:26:30,390 And she'd won another competition where you have six pictures of doctors and you 262 00:26:30,390 --> 00:26:32,790 have to place them in the order in which they should be struck off. 263 00:26:38,250 --> 00:26:45,030 Really thrilled at the start. She has won a prize. She's won an evening 264 00:26:45,030 --> 00:26:49,790 out with a male nurse who has his end embroidered upon. 265 00:26:52,990 --> 00:26:57,910 And two, she has won have two of your friends certified for Christmas. 266 00:27:01,170 --> 00:27:04,010 Poor old Bob and Joyce Larkin are in for a bit of a shock. 267 00:27:07,580 --> 00:27:09,200 the surgery for beginners outfit. 268 00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:12,500 Now, I must say, the surgery outfit looks very impressive. 269 00:27:13,100 --> 00:27:16,740 I mean, I don't suppose you could take your leg off or anything, but I bet you 270 00:27:16,740 --> 00:27:18,020 could make a nasty mess of your ankle. 271 00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:22,600 That's actually nothing to do with the reason I was asked to come here, you 272 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:26,340 know, and talk tonight. Now, however, hundreds of people, hundreds of people, 273 00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:27,600 every week, you know, write to me. 274 00:27:28,100 --> 00:27:29,840 Honestly, hundreds of people write to me. 275 00:27:30,060 --> 00:27:31,720 Let's be honest, every week, nobody writes to me. 276 00:27:32,660 --> 00:27:34,420 To me, a pool scooping is a fan letter. 277 00:27:36,460 --> 00:27:39,240 I get letters from my mother addressed to whom it may concern. 278 00:27:40,860 --> 00:27:44,780 There is one letter I get every week from a fellow who says, leave three quid 279 00:27:44,780 --> 00:27:47,320 use note under a flat stone in the middle of Hampstead Heath. 280 00:27:48,180 --> 00:27:49,720 And I'm not sure if he's got the negatives. 281 00:27:53,220 --> 00:27:55,440 But it's a day out for the kids. 282 00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:03,480 Someone did write to ask if I would tell the first joke I ever told 283 00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:04,480 professionally. 284 00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:08,660 And anyone who suspects that this is a contrived excuse to tell an old joke, 285 00:28:08,780 --> 00:28:11,160 this letter can be examined after the show. 286 00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:13,760 Over my dead body. 287 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:18,320 But I do happen to remember that it was a joke about a parrot and a conjurer. 288 00:28:18,540 --> 00:28:21,680 Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, oh, good God, he's not going 289 00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:23,240 to tell that old parrot and conjurer joke. 290 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:26,560 Because that is exactly what the producer said. 291 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:29,680 The producer of the show, he said, take my advice, Ducky, he said. 292 00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:34,040 Take my advice, Ducky. 293 00:28:36,810 --> 00:28:38,950 Perhaps some of you noticed our producer when you came in, did you? 294 00:28:40,170 --> 00:28:43,130 The chap with the earphones, you know, and the red dress. 295 00:28:46,190 --> 00:28:48,030 Anyway, that needn't worry you. 296 00:28:50,010 --> 00:28:51,470 Worries us, but it needn't worry you. 297 00:28:52,570 --> 00:28:56,010 He said, take my advice, if you know what's good for you. He said, if you 298 00:28:56,010 --> 00:28:59,570 tell old parrot jokes, tell them the favourite one about the old lady and the 299 00:28:59,570 --> 00:29:01,690 parrot, which is a story I'd never heard before. 300 00:29:02,140 --> 00:29:05,420 And apparently it is about an old lady who lives at the top of this... That's 301 00:29:05,420 --> 00:29:06,800 why it's called The Old Lady and the Parrot. 302 00:29:07,220 --> 00:29:12,100 Who lives at the top of this tenement block with her parrot. And she's going 303 00:29:12,100 --> 00:29:15,520 one day, you see, and she says to the parrot, Now, Polly, now, Polly, she 304 00:29:15,660 --> 00:29:18,200 Mummy's going to pop down to the shops a minute. 305 00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:22,720 Pathetic, isn't it? 306 00:29:26,340 --> 00:29:29,340 Nothing like an old lady talking to a parrot. 307 00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:32,360 Anyway, she said, I'm going down to the shops, and if anyone calls, you must 308 00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:35,980 remember to shout out, Who is it? Who is it? Thus giving the impression that the 309 00:29:35,980 --> 00:29:39,600 place is occupied, so that it will not be turned over by the local nerdy world 310 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:40,600 in my absence. 311 00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:43,900 Now, be a good parrot. If you're a good parrot, I'll get you some nice 312 00:29:43,900 --> 00:29:44,900 polyfiller. 313 00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:56,260 So, off she 314 00:29:56,260 --> 00:29:58,420 goes, silly old fool, and who should knock at the door? 315 00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:01,780 Who should knock at the door but the insurance man? 316 00:30:02,300 --> 00:30:05,020 The parrot says, who is it? And he shouts through the letterbox, it's the 317 00:30:05,020 --> 00:30:05,939 insurance man. 318 00:30:05,940 --> 00:30:08,880 The parrot says, who is it? He says, it's the insurance man. 319 00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:12,740 And they go on like this for a time until frustration and excitement, 320 00:30:12,740 --> 00:30:18,780 with a long walk up the stairs, which I forgot to mention, is too much for the 321 00:30:18,780 --> 00:30:22,140 poor insurance man. And he collapses on the ground. And he's still there when 322 00:30:22,140 --> 00:30:23,140 the old lady comes back. 323 00:30:23,300 --> 00:30:26,720 And she looks down at him lying there and she says, who is it? And the parrot 324 00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:28,540 from inside shouts, it's the insurance man. 325 00:31:08,420 --> 00:31:09,600 Gad, the heat. 326 00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:11,640 It's the hot season. 327 00:31:12,220 --> 00:31:13,800 Yes, that's what causes it. 328 00:31:15,980 --> 00:31:18,500 I hope to God it's not curry again tonight. 329 00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:20,340 It always is. 330 00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:23,720 It's the only damn thing they can cook in this godforsaken country. 331 00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:25,400 Care for a whiskey? 332 00:31:26,140 --> 00:31:28,680 Firewater. Yes, quite, quite. 333 00:31:28,980 --> 00:31:29,980 Cup of tea? 334 00:31:30,180 --> 00:31:33,300 It takes two hours to get cool enough to drink. 335 00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:36,080 Yes. Well, fancy a game of cards? 336 00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:37,480 No. 337 00:31:38,410 --> 00:31:39,369 It's too hot for that. 338 00:31:39,370 --> 00:31:42,530 Well, there must be some little thing I can tempt you with. 339 00:31:46,210 --> 00:31:47,530 It's too hot for that. 340 00:31:50,110 --> 00:31:52,210 Yes, true, true, true, yes. 341 00:31:52,510 --> 00:31:54,170 Thinking about it, I think you're right. 342 00:31:55,650 --> 00:31:57,250 Still, it's nice thinking about it. 343 00:31:58,550 --> 00:32:00,050 I think I'll have a gin. 344 00:32:01,790 --> 00:32:05,190 Look at the damn filthy state of this place. Look at all these glasses. 345 00:32:05,410 --> 00:32:08,030 Where's that damn filthy swine of a houseboy? 346 00:32:08,510 --> 00:32:10,930 Marmute, come on in here. Where the devil are you, boy? 347 00:32:11,630 --> 00:32:14,090 Ah, there you are, you damn beggar. Now, listen to me. 348 00:32:15,010 --> 00:32:18,110 Big Colonel Massa want all same great big gin tinkle, understand? 349 00:32:20,350 --> 00:32:23,650 All same full up top, big, big, overflowing, very little tonic water. 350 00:32:24,170 --> 00:32:26,810 Now, you don't sit about outside on your big fat veranda. 351 00:32:27,990 --> 00:32:31,490 You come in here and clear up all same glasses and all same living hut, you 352 00:32:31,490 --> 00:32:35,010 understand? Or Big Colonel Massa will give you all same sack and a big bag to 353 00:32:35,010 --> 00:32:36,010 put it in. 354 00:32:36,250 --> 00:32:38,420 You'll be all same. out on your big old same ear. 355 00:32:38,780 --> 00:32:40,760 Savvy? It's all the same to me, dear. 356 00:32:52,380 --> 00:32:59,280 We must be nearer the border than I thought. 357 00:33:09,770 --> 00:33:13,250 Thank goodness Corporal Bly is coming over here to assume his duties this 358 00:33:13,250 --> 00:33:14,950 afternoon. He should be here already. 359 00:33:15,630 --> 00:33:18,190 Corporal Bly? Yes, you remember him, my batman. 360 00:33:18,430 --> 00:33:22,930 Of course I do, George. I'm hardly likely to forget him. He undresses you 361 00:33:22,930 --> 00:33:23,930 night in the bedroom. 362 00:33:24,070 --> 00:33:25,310 Oh, yes, of course he does, yes. 363 00:33:25,750 --> 00:33:27,290 Oh, that's who it is, is it? 364 00:33:28,490 --> 00:33:31,270 You see, he's a good soul, you Bly. He's dashed keen. 365 00:33:31,550 --> 00:33:32,550 Good afternoon, sir. Madam. 366 00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:35,159 Your gin, Colonel? 367 00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:39,140 Ah, thank you. You started your duty somewhat earlier. Yes, I thought I'd pop 368 00:33:39,140 --> 00:33:40,140 over a bit earlier, sir. 369 00:33:40,980 --> 00:33:43,360 A bit warmish outside, sir? 370 00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:46,520 Warmish? Come on, I don't think I can stand it much longer. 371 00:33:46,860 --> 00:33:49,660 What must it be like for the poor lads out there on parade? 372 00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:52,900 Oh, they'll stick to it, sir. For the sake of the regiment, sir? Yes, the 373 00:33:52,900 --> 00:33:53,900 regiment. 374 00:33:53,940 --> 00:33:57,160 Yes, I'd better get out there and inspect them. It's the least I can do. 375 00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:57,999 is my helmet? 376 00:33:58,000 --> 00:33:59,000 Oh, here, sir. 377 00:34:03,950 --> 00:34:04,949 and weighs a ton. 378 00:34:04,950 --> 00:34:09,010 And it's too damn small. Look at it. I mean, can't something be done about it, 379 00:34:09,030 --> 00:34:11,110 liar? We could try taking the pit out of it, sir. 380 00:34:15,429 --> 00:34:17,330 Most of the lads do that already. 381 00:34:24,790 --> 00:34:26,210 Everything to your satisfaction, madam? 382 00:34:26,830 --> 00:34:31,070 No, everything is not to my satisfaction, corporal. Oh, oh. 383 00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:37,139 brush in the bedroom. 384 00:34:38,159 --> 00:34:40,520 It's all your fault, you wonderful creature. 385 00:34:41,380 --> 00:34:44,820 Now, that first accidental brush, as you put it, madam, was hardly my fault. I 386 00:34:44,820 --> 00:34:46,699 was actually working with the brush. 387 00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:54,560 When you happened to turn around rather quickly, there was little I could do. 388 00:34:55,139 --> 00:34:56,699 And you did it beautifully. 389 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:03,200 That was maybe. And there was no maybe about it. Kiss me. Suppose the colonel 390 00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:04,680 comes back and catches us. Oh, let him. 391 00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:08,080 What about the honour of the regiment? Oh, damn the honour of the regiment. 392 00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:09,080 about my honour? 393 00:35:09,260 --> 00:35:11,200 Oh, well, then you're going to start living in the past, are you? 394 00:35:13,320 --> 00:35:17,200 It's the future I'm concerned with, the immediate future, tonight. 395 00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:18,379 Tonight what? 396 00:35:18,380 --> 00:35:20,300 In the clearing where we met that evening. 397 00:35:20,700 --> 00:35:26,440 I shall never forget that first moment when you came up behind me and grabbed 398 00:35:26,440 --> 00:35:27,580 by the azaleas. 399 00:35:31,950 --> 00:35:34,650 My lips are burning. I've got pins and needles all up my back. 400 00:35:34,930 --> 00:35:36,330 That's not passion. That's prickly heat. 401 00:35:38,510 --> 00:35:40,010 You ought to be lying down. 402 00:35:40,870 --> 00:35:42,370 That's what I keep telling you. 403 00:35:42,670 --> 00:35:43,670 Madam, 404 00:35:44,490 --> 00:35:47,030 if you think I'm going to make love to you in broad daylight, you're very much 405 00:35:47,030 --> 00:35:48,030 mistaken. 406 00:35:48,090 --> 00:35:52,810 Oh, well, if it's broad daylight you're worried about, let's go down into the 407 00:35:52,810 --> 00:35:53,810 cellar. 408 00:35:54,110 --> 00:35:56,310 I'm sorry, but I'm not sinking to those sort of depths. 409 00:35:58,250 --> 00:36:01,310 Quite a shallow cellar. Nevertheless, I'm afraid it's beneath me. 410 00:36:01,510 --> 00:36:02,510 Oh. 411 00:36:03,370 --> 00:36:04,370 Oh. 412 00:36:04,550 --> 00:36:08,790 Oh, if only you weren't so beautiful and it wasn't so hot. 413 00:36:52,940 --> 00:36:53,940 go somewhere. 414 00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:55,120 Yes, sir. 415 00:36:57,040 --> 00:36:58,040 Anywhere. 416 00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:00,220 Is he all right? 417 00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:02,100 He sweats rather a lot, sir. 418 00:37:02,340 --> 00:37:03,340 Who is he? 419 00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:08,900 All right, men. In view of the extreme heat, you may all undo the top button of 420 00:37:08,900 --> 00:37:09,900 your tunics. 421 00:37:14,620 --> 00:37:18,200 Oh, dear. 422 00:37:24,780 --> 00:37:27,920 I've got to go. I've got to starch the Colonel's front for tonight. 423 00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:30,360 Oh, very well, then go. 424 00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:34,020 But don't expect me to be any different when we next meet. 425 00:37:34,240 --> 00:37:36,400 I shall still want you desperately. 426 00:37:36,880 --> 00:37:41,660 I shall always want you. You did something to me then that no one else 427 00:37:41,660 --> 00:37:44,080 done. Not so violently, anyway. 428 00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:46,940 You awakened something in me. 429 00:37:48,160 --> 00:37:53,160 Something that has not been stirred since I was a young, frightened girl at 430 00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:54,160 first handball. 431 00:37:56,270 --> 00:37:59,690 hunt balls since then, but none quite like the first. 432 00:38:00,410 --> 00:38:01,810 And so is what we do. 433 00:38:03,050 --> 00:38:07,270 I've never known anything that has moved me so much or so often. 434 00:38:07,650 --> 00:38:09,350 What are you dribbling on about, old thing? 435 00:38:09,890 --> 00:38:11,310 I didn't hear you come in. 436 00:38:11,570 --> 00:38:15,530 Never known anything move you so much or so often. Sounds like an advert for 437 00:38:15,530 --> 00:38:16,530 Pickford's. 438 00:38:18,970 --> 00:38:23,250 I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I think I'm out of my mind. Out of her mind? Nonsense. 439 00:38:23,850 --> 00:38:24,850 being out of things. 440 00:38:24,990 --> 00:38:26,030 What's happened to your dress? 441 00:38:26,970 --> 00:38:30,770 I took it off. It's this terrible heat. Oh, I know. That's what drives a man 442 00:38:30,770 --> 00:38:31,970 mad, this damned heat. 443 00:38:32,250 --> 00:38:35,030 Like that chap who disappeared about a month ago. What was his name? 444 00:38:35,350 --> 00:38:39,770 Captain Wilcox. The professor, they called him. He went as mad as a hat, you 445 00:38:39,770 --> 00:38:42,530 know, through the heat. What happened to him? Well, he just disappeared 446 00:38:42,530 --> 00:38:45,830 overnight. Took 200 feet of water pipes with him. 447 00:38:46,230 --> 00:38:50,250 Stole from the stores. Mind you, he was always inventing very strange things. 448 00:38:50,490 --> 00:38:53,030 He invented a thing called the smelly phone once. 449 00:38:53,310 --> 00:38:54,310 The what? 450 00:38:54,570 --> 00:38:57,970 The smelly phone. It was like a telephone, only when it rang, you could 451 00:38:57,970 --> 00:39:01,450 it. He said it was for the benefit of the deaf. 452 00:39:03,670 --> 00:39:05,290 Very hard after, wasn't it? 453 00:39:05,710 --> 00:39:07,410 I know just how he felt. 454 00:39:09,190 --> 00:39:12,050 George? Yes? We must leave this place at once. 455 00:39:12,370 --> 00:39:13,370 What? 456 00:39:16,080 --> 00:39:18,460 What are you talking about? We're in the middle of a bridge tournament, old 457 00:39:18,460 --> 00:39:21,860 thing. We can't go now. I haven't paid my mess bill or anything. Besides, 458 00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:22,879 there's another reason. 459 00:39:22,880 --> 00:39:24,260 What? I'm the commanding officer. 460 00:39:25,980 --> 00:39:29,400 Well, you won't be for long if I speak my mind. What are you driving about? 461 00:39:30,320 --> 00:39:32,680 I'm having an affair with Corporal Bly. 462 00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:35,100 Corporal Bly? You called, sir? 463 00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:40,420 I want a word with you, sir. Was it about your stiff front, sir? No, it was 464 00:39:40,420 --> 00:39:41,440 about my stiff front. 465 00:39:43,140 --> 00:39:45,060 Is it true about you and Edith here? 466 00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:47,100 Well, it could be in one... It was what, tutor? 467 00:39:47,360 --> 00:39:50,460 That you've been having an affair with her. That you've kissed her and caressed 468 00:39:50,460 --> 00:39:53,260 her and fondled her and touched her. Is it all true? 469 00:39:54,040 --> 00:39:55,040 Only bits. 470 00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:56,160 Bits? 471 00:39:56,580 --> 00:39:58,100 Which bits? Point them out. 472 00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:09,400 to fight you, sir. 473 00:40:09,420 --> 00:40:11,400 I'm going to fight you for the honour of the regiment. 474 00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:16,220 I may be twice as old as you, but what I make up for in age, I more than make up 475 00:40:16,220 --> 00:40:19,980 for in weight. At least, sir. Come on, put them up, put them up. All right, 476 00:40:20,060 --> 00:40:21,120 but only for the regiment. 477 00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:22,320 Come on. 478 00:41:03,240 --> 00:41:04,820 Why didn't you fight, Higgins? 479 00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:08,180 I ain't interested in women, Sarge. 480 00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:11,740 Oh? What are you interested in, then? 481 00:41:12,640 --> 00:41:14,300 Kiss a kiss and I'll tell you. 482 00:41:18,060 --> 00:41:23,400 I'm glad we agreed not to fight. After all, it's too damn hot for fighting. No 483 00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:24,760 damn woman's worth it. 484 00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:27,980 I'm glad I managed to make you see reason. Oh, quite, quite. 485 00:41:28,410 --> 00:41:31,550 So you were the flyweight boxing champion of the army, were you? 486 00:41:31,910 --> 00:41:35,110 Well, that was a long time ago, sir. A lot of water's flowed out of the bridge 487 00:41:35,110 --> 00:41:37,610 since then, sir. Yes, I wish some of it would flow through here. 488 00:41:38,030 --> 00:41:41,850 My God, it's hot as it's stifling. Just the sort of weather for a native rising, 489 00:41:42,010 --> 00:41:44,550 you know this? Oh, I don't think so, sir. The natives try too lazy, you know, 490 00:41:44,550 --> 00:41:50,070 sir. What did I tell you? It's started. 491 00:41:50,370 --> 00:41:51,370 That's the end of gunfire. 492 00:41:52,090 --> 00:41:53,090 That's not gunfire, sir. 493 00:41:53,890 --> 00:41:56,990 That's coming from the cellar, sir. From the cellar? The cellar. You stay here. 494 00:41:57,630 --> 00:41:58,630 I'll go and investigate. 495 00:41:58,890 --> 00:42:00,410 Where's me knob, Kerry? There. 496 00:42:05,730 --> 00:42:06,730 Are you alone? 497 00:42:07,390 --> 00:42:08,390 Colonel's in the cellar. 498 00:42:08,510 --> 00:42:09,650 A drunkard. 499 00:42:11,010 --> 00:42:13,470 Harry, I've been thinking. 500 00:42:14,070 --> 00:42:17,610 I want you to forget all that has passed between us. I wasn't myself. 501 00:42:18,450 --> 00:42:20,410 Well, whoever you were, madam, you were lovely. 502 00:42:21,690 --> 00:42:23,810 No, forgive me. It wouldn't have worked out. 503 00:42:25,100 --> 00:42:27,160 Our positions are so very different. 504 00:42:30,460 --> 00:42:32,460 Well, there's not much I can say to that, is there? 505 00:42:33,800 --> 00:42:35,520 It was just the heat. 506 00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:39,640 This eternal, infernal heat will it never end. 507 00:42:40,700 --> 00:42:44,380 Say, you remember that damn chap who disappeared with all those water pipes? 508 00:42:44,720 --> 00:42:48,260 I knew I could do it. It was all in my head, you know. 509 00:42:48,730 --> 00:42:52,250 Captain Wilcox. He's been downstairs for a month. No one at the place is so damn 510 00:42:52,250 --> 00:42:54,350 hot he's gone and invented central heating. 511 00:42:54,550 --> 00:43:01,290 You damn... Well, 512 00:43:05,410 --> 00:43:09,810 that's all for this week. Next week in Stars on Sunday, Lester Piggott will 513 00:43:09,810 --> 00:43:10,810 the Sermon on the Mount. 514 00:43:13,270 --> 00:43:16,770 And we'll be taking a look at fur -covered toilet seats. 515 00:43:20,330 --> 00:43:22,470 To see exactly what tickles your fancy. 516 00:43:25,150 --> 00:43:29,230 And we shall be introducing our series, Handy Hints for the Home, with lots of 517 00:43:29,230 --> 00:43:33,090 useful advice like this. Ladies, if your electric blanket doesn't work, don't 518 00:43:33,090 --> 00:43:34,090 try and mend it yourself. 519 00:43:34,130 --> 00:43:36,050 Simply switch it off at once and get a man in. 520 00:43:39,110 --> 00:43:44,910 Then we'll bring you commentary on the launching of the Irish moon rocket, if 521 00:43:44,910 --> 00:43:46,630 they can find a bottle big enough for the stick. 522 00:43:54,320 --> 00:43:58,100 And we've only just heard that at the London Zoo last night, Mr and Mrs Horace 523 00:43:58,100 --> 00:44:01,780 Bungstrom were accidentally locked in an empty cage at closing time. 524 00:44:02,000 --> 00:44:05,660 This is believed to be the first time that Mr and Mrs Bungstrom have mated in 525 00:44:05,660 --> 00:44:06,660 captivity. 526 00:44:09,200 --> 00:44:13,540 So, with that happy news, it's goodnight from me. And it's an even better night 527 00:44:13,540 --> 00:44:14,940 from Mr and Mrs Bungstrom. Goodnight.